Tony Picknell is sure that the recent distress he caused in his relationship was entirely pointless, and now realizes how important his girlfriend is. His love for her at this point is totally boundless, and he would love to let her know that not only does he love her with all his heart, but that he also spent his whole day thinking about her, even when they weren't talking, and only wishes that they could be talking 24/7, because every moment of his life without some sort of piece of her feels utterly miserable.

He totally loves you.

So to the few of you that read this thing, this is whats up:

-Recently I had a car accident (because my brakes went out), and went to the hospital. I'm okay, with minor neck injuries, bu the hospital bill + ambulance bill was awful.

-My car was totaled. I have no mode of transportation.

-The other party is suing. There's a legitimate chance my family could lose everything because of me.

-I still can;t get a job, and the job I wanted passed me over.

-Last spring, I dropped all my classes except one... which I got an 'F', due to being stupid and depressed. I'm trying school again but I'm scared.

-I haven't seen any of my friends for the past week and half because i always fucking went to them. A few came over today... for two hours. Then left.

-I'm still in a place that I'm totally uncomfortable in, and the girl I love is across the country... speaking of which...

-I broke up with Ashley under the pressures of life. We were constantly arguing, and all I did was depress her, and all she was doing was angering me. I still love her but I could not deal with it. At all. I was breaking down.

And that's it.

Dear whoever, my life is a god damn mess. Give me the cheat code for happiness, please.

Why can I never be happy

Ashley's friend Chelsea is a total bitch. I find it hilarious that she doesnt realize Ashley hates her.

Am I a bad person?

I fucking need to do shit to secure my mental health and emotional well being, but then I can't even cope with the fact that what did was necessary, and feel guilty every fucking second of the day.

Maybe I should use this thing more often.

I hope Toys R Us gives me a job.

I hope I do good in school.

(I secretly wish I would get hit by a car)

Last night i read through Ashley's whole lj. the whole damn thing. took me hours.

and i went to bed at like 6AM.

and like... i cried, because there was a point in time where everything was perfect, literally, fucking perfect. the three months Ash and I dated before she went to Scad. we lived in the same place, in Florida, with all our friends, and it was perfect.

and nothings been fucking right ever since. if i could relive those few months over and over for the rest of my life, I'd be content, because ever since then somethings always been wrong, and we've been in separate states, discontent with everything around us.

i miss the smell of her room, the dim lighting, the assorted crap and the few parties. the friends we shared, the shit Mexican food, the beach, laying on my orange sheets, all of it.

we've been going out for over two years nor, and only two and half months of it did we actually live in the same state together. i fucked up big time by even dumping her the first time around, we could have spent so much more time together.

i really hate thoughts like this, because i realize the truth about how unhappy i am with my current situation and long for the past, trying to grasp the best days of my life as they continue to slip farther and farther away. what the fuck, why did i ever leave florida. i shouldve forced myself to stay

I had this weird dream last night. But before that, yesterday I got this awesome book about The Smiths called "Songs That Saved Your Life".

Anyways, so in this dream, I'm in a band as the lead singer and rhythm guitarist. I'm dressed up in this nice shirt, pants, shoes, and vest (that I recently got), except my sleeves are rolled up, my hair is long, and I'm wearing Elvis glasses. I'm in a car, driving down the highway with my band-mates, for some reason Blaine (you reading this buddy?) being the bassist and Jeff being the guitarist, trying to outrun the cops. The drummer is some figment of my imagination. It's night.

Jeff THROWS his guitar out the window, where it hits the cop car's front windshield, making him veer off the road into the darkness beyond, so we speed off and head to closest guitar center for another guitar.

When we get there the shop is closed, so we break in and grab a really BEAUTIFUL fender telecaster and leap back into the car, where we drive to a monster-sized concert hall to play our show in front of 20,000 screaming fans. We rock the shit out of the place with a bunch of songs I made in my head that night, but now I can't remember (which really sucks). Anyways, we leave the stage, and all rock-star style, we get called out for an encore.

This is the best part: when we get out, i say into the microphone:

"We're going to go ahead and play the best song ever written."

The crowd starts to cheer. At that point, I begin to play the intro to Stairway to Heaven (the whole part you hear before the flute comes in). The crowd roars with applause and excitement. I stop, laugh, and start talking into the mic again, saying:

"Just kidding, that song sucks." There's a brief moment of audience disapproval, before Jeff cuts them off into the opening guitar line to, what else?

THIS CHARMING MAN BY THE SMITHS

The crowd goes nuts, and we play the song like a fucking dream.

Man, I wish that was my life for real.

i moved to California about a month ago.

it sucks here.

start school tuesday, community college.

the end.

edit:

oh yeah, couldnt afford SCAD. cool huh?

i got accepted to SCAD.

and yet there's a whole barrel of shit being flung at me.

HAHAHA Ben's Wii broke because of the lightning storm.

Owned.

I feel like i need to beat myself up. I'm depressed. I don't know why. I can't stop being depressed. I put on a happy face for everyone around me, but it's as false as you imagine it to be. I miss her, alot.

Why? ;_;

Man this is gonna suck so much, we've been having such a good time. I can't believe those four/five days are already over, it sucks so fucking much.

I dunno.

I got house of the dead and ghost squad for wii. thats cool i spose.

i cannot believe the fucking bunny pee'd on my bed, ARGH.

Today I hung out with Ash and Chris Banks at cityplace. Not a fan (of cityplace), but Chris is a fun kid. Saw 100 girls. pretty good movie. bought Ash a Ds cause I fucking rock. yehp.

oh hey lj, ashley came today. or was it yesterday? whatever, it was a fun day. a friday.
ill marry this girl some day.

i love you ash

FJDSKLJF;LAJS;LDJF;LASJKLDFJA;LSKJD;AFLJDS;LFKAJSDJKJLDGFKDSFKHG IM SOOOOO EXCITED.

I painted a picture of her. :D
I feel like a giddy little kid.
So why am I listening to Gorgoroth?

here i go to graduate

WTF, H4XorZ.

Seriously, graduation. What the hell man. Weird.
I get to see Ashriiii tomorrow, or more likely, Friday.
I'm graduating.
I'm gonna have to drag her to that Brawl tournament on Saturday, though it's okay, because i'll get knocked out pretty quickly i figure.
I'm graduating.
FEF, that forum i've been on the for the last... five years? Yeah, it's pretty much a hole of stank.
I'm graduating.
I deleted all my old LJ's at some point in time and totally didn't realize it. Weird huh?
I'm graduating.
I'm graduating.
My room needs to be picked up before either A) My grannies bitch or B) Ashley gets here.
I'm graduating.
Holy shit...... breakfast has gone by and I didn't eat!
Graduating.
I'm gonna eat at the Macaroni Grill later. I like that place.
Graduations.

FUCKSAUCE

I remember this one time where I got in a bunch of trouble, and not just any trouble, but life changing shit. It was like a Saturday afternoon, and I remember that I was hanging out with my usual group of friends back then. The sky was, of course, dead fucking hot and the asphalt burnt my unshielded feet every time i left the shade of the garage.  Naturally it was like, sixth grade, so we had just finished off a whole container of blue kool-aid when a couple of guys they were up to no good, started makin' trouble in my neighborhood, I got in one little fight and my mom got scared and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby "Yo holmes, smell ya later!". Looked at my kingdom I was finally there,
to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.

i love you ashley and i loved reading your journal all the way back to june 2005. we just spent over two hours doing that y'know.

great stuff

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